Dear Readers, it's been three weeks since my last
confession blog post. And still, approximately 40 of you keep coming back every day to see what's new. I sincerely appreciate that.
Over the last few weeks, everything's felt off (and it has not just been a case of show withdrawal either). I've been feeling lost, anxious and overwhelmed all at the same time, which created a big ball of resistance and self-pity that I knowingly indulged in. I stopped writing. I stopped doing the work I enjoy. I threw myself into the comforting and familiar embrace of depression combined with avoidance in pointless busy work.
Then, little by little, I came out of it by doing something that actually scares me: I started saying 'No'.
I've built that word up in my head to mean so much more than what it actually does. To me, I had (and still struggle with) the false belief that saying 'No' leads to closing doors, missed opportunities and (gasp!) having people be mad at me (and, subsequently, not like me). So, I say yes to everything that comes my way: every project, every work opportunity, everything even if I don't really feel like doing it. Then I get overwhelmed and resentful because I'm not doing what I want to do... and the cycle begins anew.
But this time, I'm doing something different. I'm saying no. For my own personal sanity and well-being, I'm saying no to stuff. I think the biggest no of all was to the Ottawa Fringe Festival. After three years of producing shows, I'm taking a break. In fact, I didn't even apply to the lottery. Now, this doesn't mean that my Roller Derby show is kaput or that I wouldn't perform in someone else's show if given the opportunity. It just means I'm taking some time off from producing and I'm going to wait until I have something more solid on paper before I rush head first into another deficit.
All in all, I need to take care of me.
So, in the past few days, I've allowed myself to be inspired by the people and the situations that surround me. I've summoned new people into my life who bring with them a positive and fresh energy and I've let go of others who weren't beneficial. And I've stopped to listen to the messages that come to all of us (whether you call it intuition, your gut, The Universe, your guides or TPTB) in all their forms.
The Universe has been good to me, like a parent who waits patiently while their child chases around Disneyland on a sugar high; not exactly preventing me from doing anything, but waiting until I exhausted myself with all my running around so that I could hear where I'll be going to next.
Though I am not certain where all this will take me, I do know that I am right where I need to be and what I need to do next. Everything else is gravy.